A cautionary tale

The diminutive former infielder pulled his bedraggled form onto the barstool. The bartender sidled over. "The usual, MVP?"
Dustin Pedroia winced, as the inquiry brought unwanted memories to the forefront of his thoughts. "I told you never to call me that", Pedroia snapped, sending the barkeep scampering for cover.

On December 3, 2008, Pedroia had signed a six-year contract extension worth $40.5 million. The move was lauded as a win for both sides. The Sox had locked up the second best 2B in baseball for half the salary of the best at the position, Philadelphia's Chase Utley. Pedroia had parlayed two decades of hard work, and two sensational seasons, into long-term security with the MLB club for whom he hoped to play his entire career.

Pedroia was worth every penny in 2009. He collected a second Gold Glove, and a second Silver Slugger award. He would have repeated as AL MVP, had Dallas sportswriter Evan Grant included Pedroia somewhere on his MVP ballot.

The following offseason did not go as well. Pedroia had invested heavily in a Ballroom Dancing Academy in Needham, MA, but took a sizeable loss when it was forced to close its' doors. The recession had forced the majority of his students to choose rent over tuition. Pedroia was also involved in an altercation at a Popeye's Chicken in Austin, Texas. While he gained additional "street cred" as a result of the brawl, he lost a lucrative endorsement deal with Versace as a result. These distractions also adversely affected his preparations for the 2010 season.

Pedroia struggled from the start in 2010. In June, amid rumors the would soon start to lose ABs to rookie Ryan Khoury, Pedroia started to turn things around. But a collision at second base, while turning a double play, resulted in a season-ending injury to the distal biceps in his right elbow. There was speculation that he would have returned sooner, if he had worked harder in the preceding offseason. Considering that a similar injury had ended the career of hockey goaltender Martin Brodeur, this speculation seemed a bit harsh.

Pedroia seemed on track to return for 2011, until a terrifying Spring Training incident against the Tampa Rays. In retaliation for comments made by Pedroia during the 2010 season, Rays reliever Pedro Martinez beaned the second-sacker. Martinez was suspended for life, and lost his chance at Cooperstown. Pedroia suffered a serious concussion, and though he returned in 2012, he was never the same player. He was exiled to the AL wasteland of Detroit, in a salary dump in 2014, and retired at the end of the season. Injuries had turned Pedroia from an MVP, into a replacement-level utility player.

Dustin Pedroia nursed his drink, as he watched Scott Kazmir face the Sox on NESN. Pedroia regretted the fact that he wasn't still in a Sox uniform. "I OWNED that guy!", Pedroia announced to the room. Pedroia had other regrets- accepting investment advice from Papelbon, quitting his Sullivan Tire gig, losing a big chunk of his earnings to Francona in cribbage. But he didn't regret his career. Just the fact that, with a little luck, he could have still been a Red Sox.

Enshrinement

(December 25, 2028)
Jim Rice loved Christmas Day. He had lived through seventy-five Christmas Days, each one better than the one that preceded it. Mostly, he looked forward to the neckties. Oh, how he loved the neckties! He needed 180 different neckties, one for each regular-season game the Red Sox would play in 2029, and would receive at least that many today. But, it wasn't all about the ties. Christmas was also the day when the year's Hall of Fame inductees were announced. The day, Rice hoped, he would finally receive Baseball's highest honor.

The year 2012 had been a year of milestones. Presidential candidate Sarah Palin garnered a total of three Electoral votes. The recession, which had started in December of 2007, came to an end. More importantly, it is remembered for Cole Hamels' 32 Wins, and Jonathan Papelbon's 84 Holds. It was also the year the "New Baseball Hall of Fame" welcomed its' first entrants.

Like most of the 21st century's great ideas, "The New Hall" was born on the internets. This particular great idea grew from the primordial ooze of a Baltimore Orioles message board. Cooperstown had become bloated, weighed down by years of marginal selections. As fans gained a greater understanding of baseball statistics, the numerous enshrinement errors became all the more apparent. Bill James, Evan Grant, Rob Neyer, and SABR joined forces, and the Virtual Baseball Hall of Fame was born.

Cooperstown and the BBWAA fought the decreasing relevance of their Hall, but Senator Curt Schilling (Republican-Arizona) pushed forth legislation that recognized the "New Hall" as the "Official" Baseball Hall of Fame. In the ashes of an Ikea in Medford, Massachusetts, a brick and mortal Hall was constructed. Senator Schilling was included among the first Inductees to be honored at the New Hall, and announced his intent to run for the U. S. Presidency at that first ceremony. By the time President Schilling entered his second term, Cooperstown was used as a storage facility for Medford. Against the forest green background on the BBWAA's web site, which was designed long before Jim Rice's MLB debut, was a terse statement. The BBWAA was no longer involved in Hall of Fame voting, or Award selections, but a message board was "Coming Soon!"

Jim Rice switched off Virtual Bill James long before James reached the letter "R." Rice didn't need to watch the "Methodology Monologue" to know why he hadn't been selected. He had heard the reasons before. He hadn't been dominant for a long enough period. His greatest skill was coming to the plate with many baserunners. Contemporary wisdom emphasized "walks" and "not making outs", which weren't among his strengths.

Rice smiled, as he picked up his favorite photograph. He thought back to 2009, when he had entered Cooperstown with Rickey Henderson and Bert Blyleven. While he dreamed of enshrinement in Medford, enshrinement in Cooperstown was still an impressive accomplishment. He had enjoyed a great career, and was about to enjoy his 75th Christmas Dinner. He just needed to select the right necktie for the occasion.

Luck is the residue of design...

"Last time I was here, they thanked me for wearing pants!" Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon reminisced to no one in particular, as the 2009 World Champions walked on the South Lawn. GM Theo Epstein smiled, as he watched the inimitable reliever hold court. Epstein, himself, was now a veteran of three White House trips, and fully expected to make a few more return visits. Those future Championships, the young GM hoped, would be a little less emotionally draining.

Cutting ties with Captain Jason Varitek was the most difficult choice, at least from a personal standpoint. As a business decision, it was a no-brainer. The veteran backstop was on the downside of his career, as evidenced by his .646 OPS in 2009 with Detroit. Varitek lost the starting job to backup Dusty Ryan in August, and was considering returning to Boston for 2010, as a minor league instructor. Mike Napoli, acquired from the Angels in January 2009, had proven to be a satisfactory replacement. When Napoli went on the DL in early July, Epstein picked up Ramon Hernandez from Baltimore in a salary dump. Upon Napoli's return, the two veterans split time until the playoffs, when Napoli started 15 of 16 games. The Hernandez acquisition kept Napoli fresh for the postseason, and allowed the Sox to send Kevin Cash, and his OPS+ of 11, to Pawtucket. The Boston catchers combined for 32 HRs in 2009, 29 more than Varitek had produced for the Tigers.

Trading Mike Lowell to Anaheim had been almost as difficult. But, when you have a chance to lock up a premium bat like Mark Teixeira for the next decade, you do what it takes. Theo hadn't been worried about tying up $24 million a year in one position player, or blocking top prospect 1B Lars Anderson. He had prevented the division rival Yankees from acquiring the 29 year old All-Star, and had picked up the 2009 AL MVP without sacrificing any minor league talent. The Lars Anderson situation would work itself out in a few years, and eating a quarter of Lowell's remaining contract was an acceptable cost.

The only offseason objective that Epstein had failed to achieve was dumping SS Julio Lugo. The underperforming infielder was due $18 million through 2010, and had been slated to back up Jed Lowrie at SS. But a worthwhile trade could not be found, and Lugo entered 2009 as a $9 million utility infielder. However, Lowrie suffered a season-ending ankle injury in June, and Lugo was given the opportunity to start. Lugo was league-average, both at the plate, and in the field, but that's all the Sox needed.

Epstein's self-analysis was interrupted by the buzz of his cell phone. He smirked when he realized the identity of the caller.

Manny Ramirez: Theo, man, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it. My grandmother died.

Epstein: Don't worry about it, Manny. I am sorry for your loss.

Ramirez: I want to come back to Boston, boss. I love Boston. I want to retire a Red Sox.

Epstein: We'll see, Manny. I have to go meet The President now.

Epstein had learned long ago not to discount any possibility. He was in the business of winning Championships, and would do whatever he deemed necessary to return to the White House after every season. Any Red Sox could be traded, any former Red Sox could return.

(In Florida, free agent reliever Eric Gagne awoke with a start, clutching his Boston Red Sox bedsheets.)

This is not the Greatest Post in the World, it is just a Tribute

Dustin Pedroia was selected by the Baseball Writers With Votes as the 2008 AL MVP. Not a bad selection. He had an excellent year. The correct selection was teammate Kevin Youkilis, however. (Or, maybe, it was Joe Mauer.) But, Pedroia was a reasonable choice. He was certainly one of the top three possible choices. Without a doubt, he was in the Top 10. Right?

Well, Evan Grant of the Dallas Morning News doesn't think so. But, he must have, like, really good reasons. Heck, he wouldn't have a vote, if he didn't know things, n'est-ce pas?
What say you, Evan?

When I looked at the numbers that mattered to me the most, OPS,

OPS, huh? OPS is a good stat. At BI, we are partial to OPS+. But, we're cool with OPS. It's a lot better that Mostest Home Runs (MHR). Or, Greatest Number of At Bats with Runners on Base (GNABROB),
So, let's see who had the highest OPS in the AL. Milton Bradley (.999). Wow, .999. That is some serious OPS'ing. Milton must be near the top of Evan's list.

Here is Grant's 10-person ballot:
Kevin Youkilis
Francisco Rodriguez
Justin Morneau
Josh Hamilton
Carlos Quentin
Alex Rodriguez
Cliff Lee
Joe Mauer
Grady Sizemore
Carlos Pena

Nope, no Bradley. But, Evan considers other things...

and batting average with runners in scoring position

Yikes. We'll ignore the "batting average" part. We're sure he really meant "OPS with runners in scoring position." We're not too excited about looking at a sample size of 100 ABs, but let's check out how Milton did. He must have sucked. Cool name, minimal "clutchiness."
Nope. Milton had a .971 OPS with RISP. (And a .278 BA, for those who care for such things.)
So, Milton was at the top of the AL in the things that matter the most to Evan, but didn't make it into Evan's Top 10.

Let's look again at Evan's actual Top 10.

1. Kevin Youkilis

Excellent choice. We approve.

2. Francisco Rodriguez

Double Yikes. Yes, Rodriguez had the most saves in the History of Ever this season. How important are "saves", anyways? (Short answer: Extremely important, unless you are NOT Rodriguez' agent, or an immediate family member.)
Rodriguez pitched well, in 68.1 innings. Cliff Lee (5th on Evan's list) pitched well for 223.1 innings. Roy Halladay (not on the list) pitched well for 246.0 innings.
Rodriguez wasn't even the AL MVPitcher.

The rest of Evan's list isn't bad. Mauer could probably be a bit higher. Bradley and Halladay could be on there. Aubrey Huff (5th in AL OPS), perhaps?
Carlos Pena beat out Dustin Pedroia for the 10th spot, but Evan has reasons:

When it got down to it, the last place on my ballot was Pedroia or Pena, Pedroia or Pena. I don't have a guy from the Rays on my ballot and they won 97 games. I was going to vote to make sure Carlos Pena got recognized.

So, Pena was more MVP-y than Pedroia because Kevin Youkilis was a Boston Red Sox. Conversely, if Youkilis was a Tampa Bay Ray, would that have made Pedroia more MVP-y than Pena? What if Youkilis played cricket in Pakistan for the Otago Volts? In that case, is Pedroia more or less valuable than Pena?

Evan sums up his thoughts on Pedroia:

he just didn't stack up with Youkilis at all. He was a laggard behind the others who had great years in the American League

laggard (n.) - a person or thing that lags

Pedroia didn't stack up with Youkilis. Youkilis was a worthy top choice. BI would also like to salute Evan for using the sorely underutilized word "laggard." But Pedroia did not lag behind the nine others in Evan's Top 10. (Except, maybe, Mauer. There may have been some Pedroia-lagging there.)

Is it an error of omission that he's (Pedroia) left off my ballot entirely? You could say that.

Yes, Evan, you could say that.



(Hat tip: Boston.com's Extra Bases blog.)

Evan does admit that Pedroia should have been in his Top 10. He did do a pretty good job with the rest of his ballot. (Well, except the Rodriguez part.)
The real laggards here are:
1. the dude who voted Jason Bartlett 5th
2. whoever designed the BBWAA's web site (Triple Yikes)
3. the GM of the Otago Volts

Triunfo

(The following was originally posted in the Boston Herald on October 4th, 2008.)

In baseball, as in many sports, the difference between a playoff team and a non playoff team is often one player. In the case of the 2008 Red Sox, it was one mid-July acquisition who turned a weakness into a strength. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein paid a heavy price on July 19th, but the AL East title would not have been won without that move.

As the Red Sox entered the month of July, the AL East was up for grabs. But the bullpen, which had been perceived as a strength in April, was in disarray. Closer Jonathan Papelbon was still in top form, but every Sox reliever who hadn't slaughtered 4402 innocent ducks in the winter prior to the 2007 season was struggling. Mike Timlin (3468 slaughtered ducks) seemed ready to start hunting ducks full-time. Julian Tavarez had been DFA'd by Boston and Milwaukee. Tavarez was last seen by Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara in June, aimlessly wandering the jungles of Tanzania.

Projected setup man Hideki Okajima appeared to be suffering from a sophomore jinx. It later came to light that Okajima had been having difficulty sleeping. This sleeping disorder was likely the result of the cool May night during which Okajima had awoken to find Daisuke Matsuzaka standing over him. Dressed as the purple Teletubbie. Craig Hansen had overcome sleeping problems of his own, but had not been able to overcome his AAA-quality repertoire.

Most troubling of all was the story of Manny Delcarmen. Delcarmen was placed on the 60-Day DL on July 11th, as a result of injuries sustained defending a Fenway Park concessions worker from a giant rat. The heroic tale of "Delcarmen the Defender" was an inspiring one, at least until it was discovered to be a complete fabrication. A YouTube clip showed Delcarmen sustain his injury while shooting a Milli Vanilli video. Jonathan Papelbon attributed Delcarmen's lip-synching-related injury to a "total lack of rhythm."

But, at 1pm on July 19th, Epstein announced the acquisition of the player who would save the Red Sox' 2008 season. The player cost was high, as top prospects Ryan Kalish and Michael Bowden were dealt. The payroll cost was high, as the Sox had to pay $5 million in salary, and guarantee $3 million in bonuses, for three months of pitching. Kalish and Bowden may go on to become productive MLBers, perhaps even All-Stars. However, without stabilizing their bullpen, the Sox would not have been a playoff team in 2008. Eric Serge Gagne had saved their season.

The Return of the Schill

(The following was originally published in the Boston Globe, on October 25th, 2008.)

Forget about the Bloody Sock. Curt Schilling has a new legacy.

Schilling continued his miraculous return from injury, with three scoreless innings in his first appearance since the 2007 World Series. Schilling, in relief of Red Sox starter Daisuke Matsuzaka (131 pitches in five innings) held the Phillies to a single baserunner in a dominating performance. Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon finished off the Phillies in the 9th, sending the Series to Philadelphia even at a game apiece.

When Schilling had surgery on June 23, it appeared likely that his career was over. Even the most optimistic estimates had him at least a year away from a possible return to the MLB level.
Schilling's intermittent blog postings gave no indication as to the extent of his rehabilitation efforts. Rather, he seemed more focused on his post-career plans, as well as informing his readers of their need to vote for Presidential Candidate John McCain. When Schilling announced he was ready to return to action, for the ALCS against Detroit, Red Sox Management did not share his optimism. They chose to put reliever Chris Smith on the roster, instead. That decision did not sit well with Schilling, and his vitriolic response reverberated around the blogosphere. If Smith hadn't pitched the final twelve innings in Game 7 against Detroit, the disenchanted veteran might have been left off the roster for The Fall Classic, as well.

But any remaining animosity between Schilling and the Sox dissipated into the Fenway night, as Schilling retired Phillie-after-Phillie. He improved his postseason record to 11-2, and helped prevent the Sox from falling behind 2-0 in the Series. What's next for Schilling? We'll see, when the Series resumes in Philadelphia. But, if he can top tonight's performance, Cooperstown is going to have to make room for a whole Schilling Wing.

The Return of The Curse

(The following is an excerpt from the opening chapter of CHB's "The Return of The Curse." Published in December 2011, after the Boston Red Sox won their 5th consecutive World Championship, it examines how one week in April 2008 set the tone for a modern baseball dynasty.)


There were fewer casualties at Antietam. There was less anguish during the Irish Potato Famine. The Bubonic Plague had spread through the Red Sox clubhouse- Murphy and his Law were ravaging the roster. The bad moon had risen over the Monster Seats. The Boston Nine needed a hero. But with Neil Diamond on tour, Larry Bird unavailable, and Curt Schilling overweight and disabled, to whom would they turn?

The Great Bill Belichick would have responded with a gaggle of cliches. "It is what it is," the football mastermind would state. Curt Schilling probably had plenty to say, but no one was listening. Luckily, Theo followed Bird's example, and remained calm, and in control. He directed his Minions to beat the bushes, which they did every bit as hard as Charles Robert Watts beats the drumskins. Branch Rickey and Pete Best would have been proud. The Sox would face a TET Offensive of disease with a band of hardy souls fighting their own personal battles with The Mendoza Line.

Dennis Haskins and John Ritter were in attendance on April 24th, 2008, but the Sox lineup they saw was no laughing matter. Southpaw Justin (no relation to Bat) Masterson made his major league debut. He probably could have used some of Schilling's sage advice, but the rotund pitcher was playing Pac-Man somewhere. Schilling is no Larry Bird. Schill's not even Al Nipper. The immortal Kevin Forrest Cash was Masterson's batterymate. Man-Ram was in left, piling up monstrous numbers, but contributing little. Julio Lugo positioned himself between the second and third sacks, providing half the defensive prowess that Bobby Doerr had provided at the position. Was this a playoff team? Get a grip.

(I'm pretty surprised CHB's publisher sent me a review copy of the book. They must have looked at the blog label list, and not read any of the content in this space.
Actually, I'm even more surprised that CHB found a publisher. Nothing new for CHB here- forced pop/historical references, a bit of Schill/Theo/Belichick-hate, and an obvious need for a good fact-checker. He took a week five seasons ago that no one remembers, and tried to attach major significance to it. It will be easier to find a living room in New England without any free Jordan's furniture, than a New England bookshelf with this masterpiece on it. Though, I must admit that adopting "CHB" as his pen name was a mildly amusing move.)

Sox Complete Sweep

The Sox improved to an AL-best 14-7 today, completing their sweep of the Texas Rangers. They have won nine of their last ten. Were you worried when they were 5-6? Well, quit worrying. Joe Thurston's not worried. Look at him- hugging it out with Brad Mills. The Law of Large Numbers isn't worried, either. The Maths and the replacement-level roster fillers all believe in the Sox' superiority.

Boston started a lineup with plenty of backups today, including Cash, Macha, Thurston, and Lugo. It didn't matter. The Sox don't lose on fake Masachusetts/Maine/Wisconsin holidays. The Rangers would have been better served taking the day off, watching that big race, and shielding their ERAs from further damage.

One question did come to mind today, however. No, not "Why do all of the Joe Thurston- Red Sox pictures on the internets seem to involve him hugging someone?" The answer to that is, obviously, because he is thankful for not being released, and forced to play in the Independent Leagues. The question is,"How come I did not know until today that Curt Schilling-voiced GPS's were available?" This is a brilliant idea. Or, at least, a brilliant start of an idea. Pedroia. Tavarez. Ramirez. Beckett. Papelbon. They all need to be represented in the GPS genre. I would buy every single one of them. AND a different car for each. Forget about retirement, I'll keep working well past Macha's age, if that's what it takes. This NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

Now, I shall watch the hockey. While fantasizing of a Pedroia-voiced GPS.

Soxian Concerns

There are some serious Soxian issues that must be addressed. Even though it is quite early in the season, some major problems have become apparent. If these concerns are not responded to in a timely manner, it is possible that I will not receive my new couch for free.

Dustin Pedroia needs to stop doing commercials. Immediately. Those Sullivan Tire commercials are just horrendous. I'd much rather watch him dance. I am sure I am not alone in this. Watching a whole season's worth of these commercials might be worse than watching a whole season's worth of Julio Lugo "play defense."

That guy in New York who buried a Sox jersey underneath the new Yankee Stadium- what was he thinking? Serious breach of protocol. You can't just go burying things under the new Yankee Stadium on a whim. You certainly don't want to publicize it, at least not until the time is right. There are steps to be followed, approvals to be acquired. He should have paid the (nominal) application fee, and stated his case at a meeting. If his submission was approved, it would have been logged in The Archives, and we would have assigned Tim Van Egmond to see to the insertion. (Note: We have former Sox P Van Egmond on retainer, NOT the storyteller/folk singer Van Egmond.) I've got so much stuff buried under the new Yankee and Met ballparks, that both franchises will be cursed for millenia. When my contributions are discovered centuries from now, The Archives will ensure my legacy.

The Sox have been erratic on the field, so far, but their pregame shenanigans have been spot-on. They have had some brilliantly-conceived theme nights this past week, which have flown under the radar. In case you missed it, Japanese-American Night included real, live ninjas battling on the warning track. I'm not sure who came up with the idea to have two of the fourteen ninjas on the active roster at the time battle for their Sox lives, but that was one, inspired idea. Usually the decision of whether to keep Bryan Corey, or David Aaardsma, would have involved a bunch of scouts and statisticians battling it out, with words. Swords are much better. As Corey and Aaardsma fought on the Green Monster's ladder, I realized that there was no way the loser would pass through waivers. Ninjas are almost as rare as southpaws these days. (I also wondered if anyone would notice if Aardsma added another "a" to the front of his surname. Probably not.)

As good as Japanese-American Night was, I think I enjoyed Native American Night even more. It was pretty cool watching the lacrosse match in right field. The Detroit Tigers relief corps enjoyed it too, even opening their bullpen door, and watching the game from the warning track. That might have been a bigger mistake than trading for Dontrelle Willis. The lacrosse players pulled out concealed tomahawks, and stormed the Tiger bullpen. Even though Detroit had a complement of eight men in the pen, only two (Todd Jones and Bobby Seay) remained after the vicious attack. Fortunately for Detroit, the six fallen relievers were only of AAA-quality, and, thus, easily replaceable. (RIP, Jason Grilli!)

When race cars took over the TV screen in the 9th inning of Saturday's game, I originally thought it was a promo for Redneck American Night. But, alas, FOX had decided to pre-empt the glorious conclusion of another Sox win. Obviously, it was of vital importance that we didn't miss a second of the fast cars turning left for hours. Even the (few) remaining NASCAR neophytes realize how crucial the first (of 312) lap is. It's a shame that FOX didn't have the technology to come up with another solution. Someday, the means to show multiple programs on the same screen, simultaneously, will be available. That will be a good day. (Especially during the NHL Playoffs.)

Sometimes it's more than a game...

Wow. An incredible pregame ceremony, followed by a dominating Daisuke/bullpen shutout of the disheveled Detroit Tigers. I almost wish I had spent that chunk of disposable income on Opening Day tickets, instead of on those Clemens-used gauze pads. Though the gauze pads are a better long-term investment, it would have been amazing to have been at Fenway today.

There were so many great moments. The reasonably-priced flyover. Tedy Bruschi, Johnny Bucyk, and Curt Leskanic on the field with Championship Trophies of their own. Pesky and Papi leading the team into the outfield to hoist the flag. Manny and Pesky sharing a moment in the outfield, until G38 butted in. The reanimated corpse of Steven Tyler performing "God Bless America."

There were a few disappointments. Kyle Snyder was not in attendance to receive his ring. Instead of using the money from the Green Monster auctions to reanimate Steven Tyler for a day, they should have chosen, instead, to reanimate Ted Williams. Or perhaps John Henry. Even more disturbingly, CHB was permitted in the ballpark AND on NESN. (Inexcusable.) The announcement that "Boston's most popular musicians" would be performing preceded The Boston Pops, as opposed to Dream Theater. Neil Diamond indicated that he would be at Fenway this summer, to do "Sweet Caroline" live. But, as it turns out, he will be playing an actual concert, instead of that one song at a Sox game. (Remy shared my confusion/dismay upon figuring out the truth.)

Two moments stood among all the others, at least to me. Obviously, Bill Buckner throwing out the first pitch was one of them. A statement that "The Curse", if it ever truly existed, is a thing of the past. The distant past. The current team is a perennial contender. While the failures of past decades will never be forgotten, they may be forgiven, or at least not hurt quite as much.
(Except for Dent, the Bagwell trade, and not re-signing James, which are all still seriously pissing me off.)

My favorite moment from today- Tim Wakefield and Johnny Pesky walking back to the infield after the celebration, arms around each other, Wakefield bending slightly as he spoke to Pesky.
Just. Perfect.

Where Are They Now? J.D. Drew

(The following was originally
published in the February 11, 2027 edition of BostonGlobeOnline. It was the 7th installment of the "2007 Sox: Where Are They Now?" series.)


J.D. Drew always felt a little out of place. It just seemed like he wasn't where he was supposed to be. While he was fairly successful as a Major League player, his considerable physical abilities indicated that he was capable of much more. Nagging injuries often kept him out of the lineup, and sapped his productivity when he was able to play. His detractors referred to him as "D.L. Drew" or "Nancy", criticizing the outfielder for his inability to stay on the field. The most vociferous of his critics implied that his injuries were more imagined, than real. But, to Drew, those injuries were very real. It was his body trying to send him a message.

As a professional athlete, Drew realized how important it was to take care of his body. A ballplayer's career is relatively short, so Drew knew it was crucial to do whatever necessary to maximize his income. Drew never smoked, or consumed alcohol, and he resisted the tempations of performance-enhancing drugs. Instead, a devout Christian, Drew filled his body with God. In his efforts to maximize his ball-playing income, he often made decisions that were seen as "disloyal." But Drew's choices were guided by his loyalties to his family, and to his Savior.

When it came to Drew's baseball career, there is no argument that Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein was the one who saved it. Much to the dismay of the Red Sox' corner of the blogosphere, Epstein signed Drew to a lucrative free agent deal prior to the 2007 season. During that less-enlightened era, the blogosphere fanbase (bfb) had little input on such decisions. (Ironically, Epstein is credited for pioneering the current practice of acquiring the blogosphere fan bases' consent before proceeding with personnel moves of any kind.) As is typically the case, the bfb's concerns proved valid, and Drew struggled through one of his worst statistical seasons.

Prior to the 2008 season, Drew's stock dropped further. He struggled in Spring Training. Privately, he was criticized by his teammates for declining to participate in a dance contest. In fantasy baseball drafts, he was selected after the likes of Skip Schumaker and Clete Thomas. Realizing the correlation between fantasy draft position and actual performance, Epstein increased his efforts to trade the embattled outfielder. But Epstein was unable to find an appropriate deal. Much to the bfb's chagrin, Drew accompanied the Red Sox on their season-opening trip to Japan.

It was in Japan that everything finally "clicked" for Drew. Maybe it was the small ballparks. Perhaps it was the smaller baseballs, or the AA-quality pitching. In the two exhibition games in Japan, Drew played as well as he had played in years. His body felt decades younger. Drew was confused by the changes, and asked Epstein to keep him out of the first two regular-season games, also played in Japan. Drew took that time to consider his situation.

When Drew and the Sox returned to the U.S., the outfielder's intermittent pains returned. Epstein and the bfb grew impatient. Three weeks into the regular season, Drew was summoned to meet with the Boston General Manager. Epstein informed Drew that he would be joining the Hanshin Tigers that weekend. Initially, Drew thought he was being pranked, as 2012 NL Cy Young Award Winner Kyle Kendrick of the Philadelphia Phillies had been a month earlier. But this was no joke. It was a blessing. For Drew, the Red Sox, and his new team, the Tigers.

Drew went on to become one of the most successful American players in the history of the Japanese League. Nicknamed "Tetsujin (Iron Man)" by the Japanese fans, the suddenly durable Drew did not miss a single inning in his twelve seasons in Japan. He was celebrated for his work ethic and leadership skills, and followed his successful playing career with an even more successful managerial career.

The deal also worked out pretty well for the Red Sox. Though the sale of Drew's contract to Hanshin did not result in the acquistion of a player in return, it did open up a major-league roster spot for another outfielder. A rookie by the name of Brandon Moss was recalled from the AAA Pawtucket Red Sox to take Drew's roster spot. You don't need to be a member of the Red Sox bfb to know how well that move turned out for the Red Sox organization.

Terry's Take

(The following is the transcript of Red Sox Manager Terry Francona's controversial remarks after the "Iceberg Classic" on November 20th, 2008.)

"Was it "special?" You're asking me if it was "special?" Yeah, it was special. The whole damn season was special.

First, there was the trip to Japan. That was great. Papelbon still doesn't know what day of the week it is. Drew refuses to play now, unless he's facing Japanese pitchers, throwing Japanese baseballs. I can't sleep at night because those Hanshin fans are still chanting and banging in my head 24-7. I stay up all night playing Nintendo Duck Hunt with Timlin and Tavarez. Yep, that's pretty special. But MLB wanted the Red Sox in Japan, so we went to Japan.

Then they send us to play in a football stadium in Los Angeles. 115,000 fans, left field wall 200 feet away. That was special. Manny didn't even play in the game, and he still thinks he's supposed to stand on second base when we're on defense. Crisp and Ellsbury have been running themselves ragged trying to cover the entire outfield all season. Lugo was trying to hit 200 ft. homers, until we finally released him. Theo took the bullet, but I was the one who ordered Lugo's immediate release after he went into the home run trot on that pop-up in Detroit. I was the one who made him exit the field through the Tigers' dugout. We ate about $26 million dollars with that move. We could have signed Darvish for 2009 for that money. Well, after paying the $200 million posting fee. But MLB wanted the Red Sox in L.A., so we went to L.A.

Then we had the World Series. MLB's concerned about "competitive balance." So they tell us we have to use Kevin Cash as our DH. Even though we had released him in May when his OPS+ was a NEGATIVE 102. I still don't understand how you get a negative OPS+ . You'll have to ask James. But, if anyone could have a negative OPS+, it's Cash. So Papi has to move to 1B, and Youk watches the World Series from the bench. Because Youk doesn't have the range to play in a two-man outfield. Cash goes 0 for the series, but we still sweep. I get three free couches out of that deal. A successful end to the season, right?

No, MLB sends us to Antarctica. For the flipping "Iceberg Classic." A game against a team from Korea, in temperatures lower than Cash's OPS+. You ever get frostbite AND sunburn at the same time? Not a pleasant experience. It's the 5th inning, we're playing baseball on a glacier, and I'm wearing 26 layers of clothes. THAT'S when MLB sends a guy to check that I'm wearing the proper uniform. I'll tell you, when I saw that sheet of ice they had us play on, I was about to pull my team off the field. We played that game for the Red Sox Destinations group. NOT for MLB.

Where is MLB going to have us play next, a VOLCANO? Tavarez told me about a game he played in a volcano. Between the molten rock, and the body thetans clustering about, how can you focus on baseball? Yeah, it's been a real special season. That's all I have to say."

Sox in Japan

(Scene: A small interrogation room under the streets of Tokyo. Red Sox reliever Bryan Corey, secured to a metal chair, sits across a table from a diminutive Japanese man. The man sits with his hands folded on the table, resting next to a small stereo. A pushcart filled with various implements of torture is two feet to Corey's right. A large Japanese man stands next to the cart, gripping a whip with his left hand. Two burly guards stand on either side of the only exit. )

INTERROGATOR: "You will tell me what I want to know."
COREY: (glares, but does not speak)
The large man lifts his right leg, and throws a practice lash against the far wall with his left hand.
A blood-curdling scream is heard from an adjacent room.

INT: "You were not on the roster for the World Series. You pitched fewer than ten innings in the major leagues last season. Yet, you are on the roster now, and were selected to represent the team at Camp Zana. Why?"
COREY:"Bryan Scott Corey. Reliever. Number 30."
The interrogator pulls two earplugs from his pocket, and inserts one in each ear. He presses play on the stereo. Corey is assaulted by the ear-splitting chants of Hanshin Tigers supporters. He cannot cover his ears, as his hands are tied to the chair. He grimaces, and endures the chants for what seems like hours. Intermittent screams and howls of agony are heard from the adjacent room. The interrogator stops the tape, and removes his earplugs.

INT: "Tell me what I want to know. Or you will listen for TEN minutes."
COREY: (does not respond)
INT: "Kevin Cash had an OPS+ of 4 last season. Why is he on the number one team in your major leagues? Why was he brought to Japan? We have been watching him, just as we watched Moe Berg. He has learned nothing."
COREY: (smirks, but does not speak)
A maniacal laugh is heard from the adjacent cell, followed by the wailing of several roosters.

INT: "Very well. (motions towards adjacent cell) Mr. Tavarez will tell us what we want to know."
COREY: "If Tavarez hasn't broken yet, he'll never break."
INT: (smiles) "His interrogation has not yet begun. Mr. Tavarez still believes he is in his hotel room."
COREY: (stares in disbelief, as the interrogator stands to exit the room)

Suddenly, the door swings open, and a smoke bomb ignites. The smoke obscures the entrance of three ninjas, who make quick work of the interrogator, and the three guards. The ninjas are dressed in dark red camouflage, with Red Sox logos visible on their chests. (Available at www.mlb.com/shop/ninja.)
They remove their masks, revealing themselves as Catcher Kevin Cash, Hitting Coach Dave Magadan, and Pitching Coach John Farrell.

CASH: (unties Corey) "How are you, Bryan?"
COREY: "A lot better now." (nods to Magadan and Farrell) "I'm glad we got you guys that $40,000."
CASH:"Let's get out of here. We've got a game to play."
COREY: "What about Julian?"
FARRELL: "Leave him. This way, I don't have to tell him he's the eighth starter in our five-man rotation."

The Boycott

(The following is an excerpt from "21st Century Global History." "21st Century Global History" was published on October 4th, 2058, and is suitable for Grades 5-8.)

While their exponential growth in popularity was a factor, it was their actions on March 19, 2008 that started the nation on the path to the prosperity we currently enjoy. "The Boycott" was a short-lived dispute over compensation for the Red Sox' coaching staff, which was quickly resolved in favor of the coaches. After this watershed event, the Red Sox began to realize the extent of the power they wielded.

Shortly after "The Boycott", the Red Sox journeyed to Tokyo to meet with the illustrious Japanese ambassador, Doraemon. Over a plate of dorayaki, Jason Varitek and Doraemon crafted "The 'Tek Precepts", the set of principles which have guided all diplomatic interactions for the last fifty years. The momentous meeting between the two was chronicled by author Curtis Schilling in his essay, "The Day Everything Changed." Schilling retired from baseball in May 2008, in order to concentrate on his literary and political careers.

President-Elect John McCain, aware of the Red Sox' increasing influence on the political landscape, chose Schilling as his running mate in the 2008 Presidential Election. The McCain-Schilling ticket, backed by the financial might of Red Sox supporters (See also, "Red Sox Nation."), won the election handily. Schilling was dispatched to The Middle East, where he negotiated a successful resolution to the "Oil War." (See also, "Iraqi Conflict", "War in Iraq.")

McCain and Schilling were elected to serve a second term in 2012, defeating the Democrats' Clinton/Romney ticket by a record margin. McCain and Schilling focused on domestic policy, until March of 2013, when they conceded all political power to Jason Varitek. After McCain's "Concession of Authority", the First Catcher oversaw the series of social and economic reforms that returned the country to its' current prominence.

While First Catcher Varitek guided the country to prosperity, a number of his former Red Sox teammates also played integral roles. Craig Breslow was instrumental in the eradication of global warming. Julian Tavarez and Manny Ramirez made considerable contributions to social policy. Dustin Pedroia...

("21st Century Global History" can be digitally acquired from Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher, Beckett Press.)

My Tryout with the Red Sox

(The following post comes from a former minor league catcher who recently had a tryout with the Red Sox. He chooses to remain anonymous. Portions of the post have been edited for clarity.)

I was pretty surprised when Theo Epstein called me in for a tryout. I hadn't drawn interest from any of the other MLB teams after my midseason release last year, and Spring Training is nearly half over. My performance at the plate has been a bit disappointing the last few seasons, but I feel my defense has been markedly improved. I guess Theo must have seen something too, or else he wouldn't have called.

I sat on a bench in the middle of the Red Sox locker room, putting on my shin guards. I didn't recognize anyone, so I watched as the Sox players around me went about their morning routines. Kevin Youkilis sits with a laptop, checking stock prices. Mike Timlin cleans a large shotgun. Hideki Okajima and Daisuke Matsuzaka chat excitedly with one another, as Matsuzaka takes practice swings with a weighted bat. Coco Crisp sits in a corner, ferociously jabbing pins into a small Red Sox doll with the number "46" on it.

I hear a familiar voice call my name. A smiling Jacoby Ellsbury sidles up next to me. Jacoby is a former teammate. We shared many a minor league bus trip together, and I had hoped to run into him.

JE: "What are you doing here?"
Anonymous Catcher: "I've got a tryout today, and I'm just killin' time until then."
JE: "I sit here and just watch these guys all the time. It's part of learning to be a professional."

Closer Jonathan Papelbon saunters by, sporting a transparent Versace shirt. He is wearing batting gloves, and an ill-fitting fedora.

JE: "He wears that shirt every day now. He thinks it's lucky. He only came in 3rd place, so it can't be that lucky."

Josh Beckett slams a batting donut with a bat. The donut narrowly misses a bare-chested Dustin Pedroia. Beckett grimaces, and takes a swig of Slumpbuster. The diminutive second sacker dons a t-shirt immediately.

AC: "He probably could have just told Pedroia to put a shirt on.
JE: "Josh has been pretty moody lately. It might be because he drinks a case of that Slumpbuster stuff every day."

Clay Buchholz enters the room, to a round of applause. He grins, and takes a bow.

JE: "I don't know why he's so cocky. That no-hitter was a long time ago. Plus, he's still a rookie, too."
AC: "Wasn't he linked to some magazine centerfold, or something?"
JE: "Maybe. I don't pay attention to that stuff. I'm just here to play ball."

Suddenly, there is a loud commotion from in front of Doug Mirabelli's oversized locker. Manny Ramirez is emptying the contents of Mirabelli's locker into a pair of large cardboard boxes. It is apparent that he has little regard for the backup catcher's personal property. The animated outfielder motions to reliever Julian Tavarez, who attempts to remove Mirabelli's nameplate with his bare hands.

JE: "I don't even know what those guys are up to."

As Tavarez begins to try to remove the nameplate with his bat, I am called to the field. There are four other catchers trying out. As we walk towards the covered bullpen where the tryout will take place, we see Tim Wakefield taking cuts in a batting cage.

The tryout is rather quick. A RHP, who looks strangely like a 35 yr. old Phil Niekro, throws fifty knuckleballs to each catcher. Pitching coach John Farrell and a mustachioed man stand next to the mound. The pitcher is given instruction, by the mustachioed man, in a language I don't recognize.

After the last catcher has finished, we are gathered in front of Theo Epstein and statistician Bill James. Theo thanks us for our time, and indicates that he will "be in touch." One of the other catchers inquires as to why we didn't get a chance to bat during the tryout. Theo smiles knowingly at James. James is expressionless. Neither responds.

Before returning to the locker room, I stop to tie my spikes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Craig Breslow approach Theo on the pitcher's mound. Breslow is wearing a white lab coat over his uniform.

TE: "He performed as needed. But I still don't understand why he only speaks Polish. The translator raises suspicions."
CB: "Well, I'm still working on the sequencing, but it seems that the pitching is more imp.."

Theo walks away mid-sentence. It is apparent that he has much to do...

Lugo's Former Parasite Responds

(The following guest post was made in response to Boston Red Sox SS Julio Lugo's recent comments about one of the (alleged) reasons behind his poor season in 2007. The content does not necessarily represent the views of the blog owner(s).)

Initially, I would like to thank the owners of this blog for providing me with a forum to respond to the recent allegations. Before commenting on the aforementioned allegations, however, I would like to request that the word "parasite" be substituted with the more accurate phrase "performance-enhancing organism (PEO)." This terminology better describes the mutually beneficial relationship between the PEO and the host organism.

When Mr. Lugo first met with us in Glasgow, it quickly became apparent that he had done some research on performance-enhancers, and our effects. He knew exactly what he was looking for. Mere hours later, we had an agreement. He paid with a check written to "Cash" that he had won from a teammate in a poker game. The assimilation process was similarly quick, and I took up residence in his stomach. If Mr. Lugo disputes any of these facts, it is obvious that he is misremembering.

Now, you might ask, "How much of an effect can a PEO have from inside a mediocre SS's belly?" A valid question, especially considering that my formative years have been spent enhancing the performances of skiers and footballers. Not to mention the fact that I was attached to a minute section of Mr. Lugo's small intestine.

The greatest benefit is my ability to reduce my host's weight. With me feasting on his innards, Mr. Lugo was able to rid himself of some extra poundage, despite a diet consisting mostly of Ring Dings and Yuengling. He was quicker in the field, and on the basepaths. Though Mr. Lugo disputes this, his bat speed was also much improved. It was his own damn fault that he was always hacking away at bad pitches.

While I was, admittedly, compensated almost as well as Mr. Lugo was, it wasn't exactly an easy experience for me, either. It's hard to put into words what it was like to inhabit Mr. Lugo. But it's probably pretty similar to what it would be like to be Julian Tavarez' roommate. Scary stuff, indeed.

I guess I am just disappointed that Mr. Lugo and I didn't have a more successful season. Well, that, and the part where he ripped me in the press. But I wish nothing but the best for Mr. Lugo. Succeed, or fail, I'll be rooting for him. From my new home in Right Field.

America's Best Dance Crew

(The following is an entry from Josh Beckett's personal journal, written on March 3, 2008.)

Sometimes, I'm so good at pitching that I scare myself. Today, I pitched in a "B" game against some random people wearing Twins uniforms, and just dominated them. I was trying some stuff out, and they still only got me for one unearned run in my three innings. (They wouldn't have even have had that run, if Casey had given me a decent throw in the 1st inning. He's no Youk, that's for damn sure.) Schnikes, I'm good. (I picked up "schnikes" from Wake, trying to cut down on the swearing.)

Still a little pissed that Lowell wouldn't let me in the Dance-off. The bastard didn't want to compete with me. I guess I don't blame him. But I got Lowell back when I let Paps wear my lucky Meringue outfit. Unfortunately, not everyone can pull off a lace Versace shirt and ripped, horse-shoed jeans the way I can. As for Pedroia's performance, schnikes! I really worry about that dude sometimes.

Well, that's all for now. Julian and Manny want me to go see "Juno" with them again. (Paps isn't coming this time. I don't want to have to explain everything to him again. Good closer, but not the sharpest tool in the shed.) It's a decent flick. I think Julian and Manny mostly just like it for the music, though. It's a little disturbing when they sing that song together in the dugout. But not as disturbing as a shirtless Pedroia. Schnikes.

Disclosure

(originally posted 11/2/07)

(The following post is explicit in nature and may not be suitable for young readers. If you are fewer than 18 years of age, please click here.)

A frightening discovery was made today at stately BosInj manor. A horror even more disturbing than J.D. Drew's contract terms. While incorporating books from The Great Pile into the bookcases, a copy of CHB's 1996 book "At Fenway" was found on one of the lower shelves of a bookcase located in the East Wing.

BosInj would like to assure it's reader(s) that the presence of this book is not an implied endorsement of the author, or of the book's content. The fact that the book is autographed by CHB should not imply that BosInj purchased the book and/or asked it's author to sign it. The book was given as a gift, at no cost to this blogger. The approximate value of the book is not in excess of $25, so this possession is not in violation of the Uniform Gifts to Bloggers Act (UGBA).

BosInj regrets any appearance of impropriety, and will dispose of the book in a timely manner.
BosInj will conduct a thorough, and immediate, inventory of all current possessions to ensure that a similar situation does not arise in the future.

Schilling pitches

(originally posted 11/1/07)

On the flight home from Colorado, the Red Sox players unwound in different ways. David Ortiz played cards. Kevin Youkilis napped on the floor. Coco Crisp spoke to Jacoby Ellsbury about the wonders of base jumping.

Curt Schilling was more productive, as he caught up on some of his correspondence. BosInj's Covert Surveillance operatives were able to obtain some of his messages.

Mark,
I have the real ball. Make me an offer.
Curt Schilling

Kyle,
Congratulations on your successful rookie season. It looks like we'll be teammates next season, and I was wondering if I could have #38. It would mean a lot to me. I believe #25 is currently available.

Thanks,
Curt Schilling

Javier,
Thank you for interest in employment opportunities at 38 Studios. At the present time, there are no open positions that are an appropriate fit for your particular skill set. We will retain your application for three months, and will be in contact with you should a suitable position become available. Good luck with your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Curt Schilling

Dan,
Bygones?

Curt

CHAMPIONS!

(originally posted 10/30/07)

The ducks are probably the biggest winners here. The Red Sox winning the World Series is a Significant Triumph. Those Sox fans prescient enough to take advantage of The Monster Deal are enjoying their free furniture. (No free furniture here. Though there is a previously owned mattress up for grabs next to the dumpster out back.) But, after 4402 of their brethren met their doom at the killing hand of a young closer last winter, the ducks can breathe a little easier this time around. While they still have to be wary of the Peregrine Falcon and the Timlin, Jonathan Robert Papelbon will be a bit too busy for duck hunting this offseason.

Papelbon followed up a postseason of scoreless pitching by dancing through the streets of Boston. 'Twas a beautiful thing. The Winter of Papelbon has just begun, however. Next, he'll be jigging his way through the late night TV circuit. There will be the Guitar Hero endorsements. Papelbon at The White House. The Dancing with the Stars appearance with his ultra-talented dance partner, Amalie Benjamin. The series of children's books. (Think Berenstain Bears meets Harry Potter.) No more shilling Barber Chicken for the inimitable Sox closer. He's hit the big time now!

The rest of the 2007 World Champion Red Sox should be be back, and even better, next season. Curt Schilling will probably be my 2nd favorite Phillies blogger (#1), but both Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz are more than serviceable rotation options. Eric Gagne will be "pitching" in the National League, and Royce Clayton will be a Management Trainee at the Taco Bell on Comm. Ave., but they were forgotten Red Sox long before today. Josh Beckett will be pursuing his second consecutive Cy Young Award, with a fully-acclimated Daisuke Matsuzaka as his main competition. There's no way Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield play for another team next season. Papi and Manny will be back, Manny armed with a prototype batting helmet that can be remotely ejected by Batshit Tavarez. Pedroia. Edes. Youkilis. Benjamin. Ellsbury. The 2007 season has just ended, but I can't wait to see this team next season. Though they will have a lot more difficulty in the 2008 World Series with the Phillies, than they did with the Rockies.

As a Rule 5 blogger, I anticipate spending the first few months of next season posting for the Pawtucket Red Sox. But a midseason callup is not out of the question. When the Red Sox need a northpaw reliever in the playoffs, I'll be ready to put down my drumsticks and set up for Papelbon. When an HBP is needed to win free tacos for all, I'm your guy. I just hope that the internet connectivity issues that have plagued me this past week don't resurface during next season's Red Sox-Phillies Fall Classic. That matchup will require some prolific blogging in these parts. Plus, without internet, I can't instantaneously determine whether the actor in the movie I'm watching was also the roadie in "Rock Star." Who wants to live like that?

The Sox won't play another game for more than four months, but there are many significant personnel decisions to be made in that time. Papelbon will be omnipresent during the offseason, and the Ellsbury Taco Bell commercials will be as ubiquitous as those damn W.B. Mason ads. If you thought Ellsbury was a great ballplayer, wait until you see him in those Taco Bell ads, co-starring with the Official Scorer who didn't rule "defensive indifference." It will be no time at all before the Sox equipment crew is loading up The Truck, and Julian Tavarez is letting the press know when Manny Ramirez will be reporting to Spring Training.