Lugo's Former Parasite Responds

(The following guest post was made in response to Boston Red Sox SS Julio Lugo's recent comments about one of the (alleged) reasons behind his poor season in 2007. The content does not necessarily represent the views of the blog owner(s).)

Initially, I would like to thank the owners of this blog for providing me with a forum to respond to the recent allegations. Before commenting on the aforementioned allegations, however, I would like to request that the word "parasite" be substituted with the more accurate phrase "performance-enhancing organism (PEO)." This terminology better describes the mutually beneficial relationship between the PEO and the host organism.

When Mr. Lugo first met with us in Glasgow, it quickly became apparent that he had done some research on performance-enhancers, and our effects. He knew exactly what he was looking for. Mere hours later, we had an agreement. He paid with a check written to "Cash" that he had won from a teammate in a poker game. The assimilation process was similarly quick, and I took up residence in his stomach. If Mr. Lugo disputes any of these facts, it is obvious that he is misremembering.

Now, you might ask, "How much of an effect can a PEO have from inside a mediocre SS's belly?" A valid question, especially considering that my formative years have been spent enhancing the performances of skiers and footballers. Not to mention the fact that I was attached to a minute section of Mr. Lugo's small intestine.

The greatest benefit is my ability to reduce my host's weight. With me feasting on his innards, Mr. Lugo was able to rid himself of some extra poundage, despite a diet consisting mostly of Ring Dings and Yuengling. He was quicker in the field, and on the basepaths. Though Mr. Lugo disputes this, his bat speed was also much improved. It was his own damn fault that he was always hacking away at bad pitches.

While I was, admittedly, compensated almost as well as Mr. Lugo was, it wasn't exactly an easy experience for me, either. It's hard to put into words what it was like to inhabit Mr. Lugo. But it's probably pretty similar to what it would be like to be Julian Tavarez' roommate. Scary stuff, indeed.

I guess I am just disappointed that Mr. Lugo and I didn't have a more successful season. Well, that, and the part where he ripped me in the press. But I wish nothing but the best for Mr. Lugo. Succeed, or fail, I'll be rooting for him. From my new home in Right Field.