All the yen in the world

(originally posted 5/19/07)

Fifty-eight Gajillion American Dollars. When I saw Julian Tavarez wearing shoes with Big Papi's visage on the front, the future was immediately obvious. The Papelbonian Signature Line. Papelbon Signature Hunting Jackets. Papelbon Signature Safari Hats. Papelbon Signature Nunchakas. Papelbon EVERYTHING. I would pay fifty-eight gajillion dollars for any of these incredible items. This needs to happen. A year from now I expect to be watching Paps play badminton on NESN, with commercials for these items between matches. There is too much potential for profit here to be ignored.

The Papi shoes are good for now, though. Julian Tavarez is certainly the correct choice to model them. Unless this was all a dream. Tina Cervasio and Amalie Benjamin describing a bizarre Sox item worn by Julian Tavarez certainly seems like the type of dream I would have. But in my dream, Amalie would be a bit more fluid in her comedic delivery. As anyone who's seen her perform in the comedy clubs would agree, Amalie excels in the comedic arts. (If you don't know anyone who has seen her perform in that arena, you'll just have to take my word for it.) But she did perform very well today in the Extra Bases Blog, at least until the later innings when she seemed to tire, and her pitches were up in the zone. However, Gordon Edes should have been brought in to relieve her well before that point. Her pitch count was very high, and you could see the signs of fatigue behind the hipster glasses.

You won't see signs of fatigue in Daisuke Matsuzaka's eyes any time soon. He's worth every penny of the 58 gajillion dollars (70280978000000000 yen) the Sox paid for him. (Yes. The Sox' big offseason acquisition is of comparable value to a Papelbon Safari Hat. If you don't think that seems plausible, you obviously are not imagining the Safari Hat properly.) He threw 103 pitches in eight innings, and indicated in interviews after the game that he was good for about 150 pitches a game. Matsuzaka scattered nine hits and did not allow a walk. All three runs he conceded came in the top of the 7th, at which point the Sox had a 12-0 lead. He is 3-0 with a 1.87 ERA in his last three starts, and is making my 7th round fantasy league selection seem quite prescient. (And not "a reach", as has been derisively suggested in some circles.)

I missed about half of the first game, however, due to the responsibilities of my position as a consultant for the Philadelphia Phillies organization. I was on the highway when Mike Lowell pounded a grand slam in the 5th, giving the Sox a 7-0 lead. I pumped my fist several times, and honked my horn, in celebration of the blast over the Green Monster. None of the other cars seemed to share my exuberance, and the car immediately in front of me made a sudden, and somewhat daring, change to a different lane. Apparently, they did not interpret my behavior in the proper Soxian context. But they were driving kind of slow (only 10 MPH above the speed limit), and their removal from my path helped me get home in time to see Wily Mo Pena's prodigious shot. Reports indicate that the ball landed somewhere in Billerica. Wily Mo celebrated the HR by returning to the dugout and treating himself to a pudding cup. After he finished with the pudding, he played the air drums on his sizeable thighs, until Boston's 13-3 victory was complete. There is definitely a place for Wily Mo in my Papelbonian Vision of Future NESN.

The second game of the doubleheader- not so good. I was hoping for a rainout before the game was official, but despite the torrent of raindrops, the torrent of Braves offense continued unabated. I was also watching the Phillies-Blue Jays game, and, at one point, both of my teams faced eleven runs deficits. Not the best night.

The Sox game seemed almost surreal by the end. The stands had large pockets of empty desolation, some kind of alarm was going off at the stadium, the fans were getting a wee bit rowdy, Cora was playing 1B. Weird, crazy stuff. But I hope they were taping Sox Appeal during the soggy tumult. These would be the ideal circumstances to separate the wheat from the chaff. (The blue hats from the pink?) Besides that, there wasn't too much possible utility to be derived from Saturday night's 14-0 loss. Unless you value watching Cora play exciting, new positions. In which case, you might be the only viewer of tonight's Sox In 2. Buenos noches, amigos!